First Date
by Snowluvr410
Summary: A discussion between two boys before one goes on a date with a quirky little twist at the end. Enjoy. T for language only. There is slash but its mild and nothing really happens.
1. First Date

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, not even the prompt. I also don't own the movies mentioned in the fic.

Author's Note: Yet another request from a friend. This one is purely dialogue. Enjoy and review if you want.

"So, you nervous?"

"Why would I be nervous?"

"Its the first date, duh!"  
"Quil, we've known each other for a long time, we're soul mates, there is no way that this will be one of those 'first impression' situations that I have to nail in order to have a repeat."

"Is that what your wearing?"

"Whats wrong with what I'm wearing?"

"Jacob, your wearing a shirt that says, 'I see you've noticed my giant PP'. Hardly a date shirt. Actually, I think I got you that shirt as a gag gift for your birthday."

"I figured it would get a good reaction. Besides, its not really a date, we're going to a movie. As far as I know, we've done that like a million times."

"What movie?"

"Zombieland."

"Zombieland? You serious?"

"What were you expecting? A chick-flick? I don't think that would be received well."

"I don't know, but Zombieland? Was that your idea?"

"No, I wanted to see stay home and watch Inglorious Basterds again."

"How original. How many times have you watched that movie?"

"Enough times that I don't even have to look at the sub-titles anymore."

"Maybe you should go out for dinner then go ice-skating. Thats romantic."

"Quil, its not a date and Paul would probably kill me if I tried to take him ice-skating. Remember the roller-blading thing?"

"In Paul's defense, roller-blading is really gay."

"Quil, we're two _men_."

"Your point?"

"...Your an idiot."

"I still think you should go do something romantic. You never do nice things for Paul, he might enjoy it."

"You want to know what happened the last time I did something 'romantic' for him? He glared at me and with held all physical activities for two weeks! That includes kissing!"

"Was that why you were so mopy? Figures I guess. What did you do?"

"I set up a romantic dinner and invited him over. When he got there I tried to take his coat from him and he flipped and said I don't need to treat him like a woman."

"Paul has issues with stuff like that, he thinks he is being emasculated. He said so."

"He told you that? So what, should I take him to a monster truck rally or something?"

"Well, you could, but he would probably glare at you the whole time."

"Love is so complicated."

"Just be romantic without making him think your treating him like a woman."

"How do I do that?"

"Take him ice-skating!"

"Thats like calling him a pretty princess."

"Seriously, I think you should take him ice-skating."

"Why do you keep pushing that? Do you know something I don't?"

"Lets just say that he might have said something about wanting to try it."

"I didn't know you guys talked about stuff like that? How come he never told me that? I'm his soul mate!"

"I didn't say he said it to me, did I?"  
"You eves dropped!"

"More like read his journal."

"He has a journal?"

"Yeah, good stuff, really."

"I should be angry that you invaded his privacy but this is helpful. What else?"

"He wants the Wedding Singer and Eight Crazy Nights for his birthday. I also know what he is getting you for your birthday. Your gonna love it."

"Really? What is it?"

"Can't tell you, but trust me, you'll love it."

"Okay, fine. So beside ice-skating, what should else should I do?"

"Hmm...watch The Lion King, he loves that movie."

"I really need to get to know him better, I should know all this stuff."

"Don't worry about it, just read his journal."

"I'm not gonna do that, he'd catch me and torture me."

"I think you could take him."

"Well, I know I could but he wouldn't beat me physically. He would with hold all physical relations until I beg him for it."

"How come you never threaten to with hold that from him?"

"Are you kidding? I would never get any. Hes like a woman that way."

"Don't let him know that."

"I have some self-preservation, you know."

"So are you going to change, or what?"

"What should I wear?"

"Paul really likes that black long sleeve shirt, it accentuates your muscles and makes you look hot."

"You think so?"

"Those were Paul's words not mine. Also, those really nice jeans that your sister Rachel bought you for your birthday. They make your ass look really good."

"Your creeping me out."

"You want Paul to be putty in your hands, or what?"

"Your right. I'll wear them."

"Good. And don't do anything with your hair, you look great with the bed head look."

"He actually writes stuff like that in his journal?"

"Thats only the half of it. Trust me, that boy has got some crazy fantasies. Not to mention the dreams."

"You read about my boyfriend's fantasies?! Your a pervert! I should kick your ass!"

"Chill Cujo! It was all accidental, trust me I didn't want to know what he fantasizes about!"

"Just stop reading his journal and I won't kill you."

"Deal."

"So...what kind of fantasies does he have?"

"Mostly kinky stuff like doing it on Sam's kitchen counter while Emily and him are upstairs sleeping."

"Really?! I should bring that up, it might be fun."

"Don't talk to him about it, just throw him on the counter and have your naughty way with him."

"He is really specific about this stuff isn't he?"

"I swear to God I thought I was reading a girl's diary."

"Makes you wonder why he gets so mad when I try to be romantic and stuff, huh?"

"Indeed it does."

"I'm surprised you aren't weirded out by this stuff. Are you like a fag hag in disguise or something?"

"No, thats Kim and Emily. I'm just really secure with my sexuality."

"Its weird, this is almost like girl talk. Paul would have a field day with this if he found out."

"Yeah, it is...but then again, I get kicks from reading a gay man's diary. A gay man's very graphic diary."

"Journal."

"Whatever. Isn't it about time you went and picked him up?"

"Oh yeah. How do I look?"

"Dashing."

"Is it weird that he was so adamant about me picking him up?"

"He has this whole night fantasized in his diary."

"Journal."

"Whatever. You picking him up is part of it. He thinks that is the only thing that will actually be like his fantasy or whatever. Little does he know."

"So this is all part of his fantasy?"

"Yep. Oh by the way, after the movie when you drop him off, he wants you to pin him up against the door and do that thing with your tongue that he loves."

"What thing?"

"I don't know, it just said _'he curls his tongue in a certain way and it drives me crazy'_."

"Your quoting his diary now? How often do you read it!?"

"Journal. And whenever we aren't on patrol together."

"Whatever. Well, your going to stop, because that is just weird."

"After all this help I'm giving you? You should be indebted to me!"

"Right. Anyway, pin him against the door and do the curly thing with my tongue, I can do that. What else?"

"Then he is going to invite you in and you two will then fulfill a few of his fantasies, which I'm not telling because it would ruin the surprise."

"Sweet!"

"Thats only if you do everything right, so don't mess up."

"Okay, ice skating, Lion King, door, curly tongue thing. Did I miss anything?"

"Wait, you gotta take him to get Mexican food after ice skating and you have to let him get the enchiladas and rice, no matter how much it costs because then he will make you breakfast tomorrow morning. Your favorite along with sex on the dining room table and sofa."  
"Fucking awesome!"

"Who knew Paul puts out on the first date?"

"Paul puts out without a date."

"Wow, you got lucky."

"Yes, I do get lucky, a lot."

"I know, he writes that in the journal, too. Your a beast in the sack."

"Thank you. Good to know I can perform."

"Oh yes, you blow his mind."

"Can you stop that, its weird."

"Sorry. Just saying."

"Makes me wonder why it is so easy to with hold sex, if I'm so good at it."

"He likes how aggressive you are after not getting any for a while. It makes the sex awesome."

"Huh...never thought of it like that."

"Its true, he actually likes with holding for a while just so it will be better. Plus he likes knowing you love him enough to put up with him even when he is being an ass."

"So he does it on purpose! Thats cruel!"

"Its for a good cause though."

"True, but still. Its torture."

"You should get going, or you won't even get a date. If your late he'll be pissed."

"Alright. See you."

"Bye, have fun."

"...And Quil?"

"Yeah?"

"You do know Paul is going to kill you for reading his journal."

"He isn't going to ever find out."

"Quil, Paul was in the closet the whole time."

"Paul...buddy...hi."

"You were saying, Quil?"


	2. Smooth Criminal

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or Inglorious Basterds.

Author's Note: I wrote First Date and I got this sudden inspiration to write a couple chapters more. So, it won't exactly be a one-shot, more like a three-shot or something like that. Anyway, enjoy.

The Previous Day~

"I think Quil has been reading my journal." Jacob stared at the credits rolling on the screen. They had just finished watching Inglorious Basterds for the umpteenth time, and were 'man cuddling'.

"Oh?"

"Actually, I know he is. I caught him when he thought I was out patrolling, but I was really with you."

"Wednesday?"

"Yup." Jacob finally looked away from the screen and looked down at Paul.

"What do you want me to do? Beat him up? Sam would kill me."

"I don't want you to beat him up, but I would think you would have some kind of reaction to it. He is invading my privacy."

"It can't be too bad, its just your journal."

"I write a lot of stuff in there. _Private _stuff." Jacob narrowed his eyes and gave Paul a suspicious look.

"What kinda private stuff are we talking about here?" Paul shrugged as best he could with Jacob wrapped around him.

"Stuff that we do together sometimes, among other things."

"You write that stuff in your diary!?" Jake yelled as he pulled away from Paul, causing him to roll off the couch and hit the ground with a loud thud. Paul glared up at him in return.

"Its a JOURNAL! And yes! I write stuff like that in it! I can write whatever I want in there."

"Quil reads about our love life!?" Jake screeched, his face going red.

"Quite avidly actually. Its a real page turner if I do say so myself." Paul said standing up and brushing himself off. He moved to leave the room but Jake's hand shot out and stopped him.

"Wait, you reread it?"

"Yes, quite often. It really gets me going."

"Oh really? Maybe we should read it together, it would be like-WAIT! Quil knows about all of that stuff! I'm going to kill him! Thats really private stuff! Can I borrow your journal?"

"Jake, focus."

"I'm sorry. I'm just mad that Quil would read your journal and I want to kill him but then I think about all the stuff that would be in there and, well, you know. Two heads aren't better than one!" Paul rolled his eyes and pulled Jake to his feet.

"Well, we can take care of that." He smirked seductively and walked out of the room, looking back at Jake over his shoulder just before walking out the door. Jake grinned and scurried after.

_**Later....**_

"So what do you propose we do about Quil?" Jake asked from Paul's shoulder, where he had flopped down at after their...activities.

"Don't talk about the guys when I'm trying to enjoy the after-glow. It ruins it." Paul said breathlessly. Jake sighed before peppering butterfly kisses all over Paul's neck and shoulder. "Hmm...thats nice."

"Your welcome."

After a few minutes of lazy touches and kisses, Paul decided to bring up the subject again.

"Well, now that your mind is more clear, what should we do about Quil? I'm running out of hiding places for my journal."

"How about we just kick his ass and be done with it."

"That would be nice but its not that simple. I want to humiliate him."

"Your so cruel, you know that? Remind me to never terribly wrong you."

"He deserves it. Reading my journal is like watching us go at it through the window." Jake nodded before sneaking a peek out the window, just in case.

"Okay, so what do we do?"

"Well, you have to get him to admit that he reads my journal somehow and I will be somewhere with a recorder or something, so then I will have proof and justification for beating him up."

"Something tells me you had this all planned out and just needed me to go along with it. Is that why we had sex? Was that your plan this whole time?"

"No...yes...maybe. Did it work?"

"....maybe."

"Do you need more persuasion?"

"Quil is my best friend, I don't think I could bring that kind of terror upon him." Jake said flopping over on his back, to keep his face straight. Paul grinned wickedly and straddled him.

"Well then, I will just have to convince you to cross over to the dark side, now won't I?"

"It'll be hard, the force is strong in this one." Jake grinned up at him, gripping his hips.

"I love it when you talk dork in the sack." And he pounced.

_**Later....again**_

"Okay, I'll do it." Jake breathed heavily. Paul chuckled from on top of him and patted Jake's chest lovingly.

"Thats my boy. I knew I could convince you."

"In my defense, I didn't put up much of a fight."

"So, tomorrow night you will invite Quil over to hang out and find a way to get him to confess to reading my journal. Then I will hide somewhere in the room with my phone and record the confession, so if anyone asks we have proof and justification for what I plan to do to him."

"Your really conniving, you know that?"

"Yeah...does that frighten you?" Paul asked jokingly.

"To a degree but really, it just turns me on."

"You don't say?"

"I do say. What're you gonna do about it?"

"Well, after we finish talking about my revenge I'll let you do me on the kitchen table."

"SWEET! Okay, the plan."

"Yes, I'll record the confession and then I'll-"

"Wait, won't Quil smell you since you'll be in the same room as us."

"I've already thought about that. I'll take a shower and use all your products, wear your clothes all day, and hide in your closet so that I'll be surrounded by your scent and it will overpower mine."

"I've got no complaints with that. In fact, just the opposite."

"Your just one big horn-dog aren't you?"

"I'm like the mother-fucking energizer bunny! I just keep going and going and going."

"Its a good thing we are werewolves, otherwise I think we would fuck each other to death."

"Doesn't sound like a bad way to go. If I was going to die, I think that would be the way to go." Paul rolled his eyes and got up, pulling on Jake's sweats as he left the room. "Hey! Where you going!?" Jake called, getting up and pulling on some cut offs and following his lover.

"I'm starving. Mom made a bunch of food last night when I told her you were coming over."

"Great. I'm hungry, too." The two of them sat down to eat and began to scarf down food like usual. Once the food was gone Paul took the plates and placed them in the sink. He turned around and smiled at Jake.

"So..." Jake stood up and wrapped his arms around Paul's waist and leaned in and planted a tender kiss on his lips. When he pulled away, he whipped them around so they were leaning on the table.

"So, are we done talking about your revenge?" Paul pretended to think about it before smirking.

"I believe we are." Jake grinned and continued to follow through on what Paul promised him.

Well, thats it for that one. Review if you want! Peace!


	3. Psycho

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters.

Author's Note: Well, here is the third, and the last, part of the story. It has some violence, okay, its like mostly violence but no one gets hurt...much. XD. Well, enjoy and review if you want! Peace!

In the closet~

_'Jake is sooo dead. I said 'get him to confess to reading my journal' not make talk Quil about all that stuff! Thats private! Jerk.'_

"Are you kidding? I would never get any. Hes like a woman that way."

_'He is so dead. I'm gonna kill him, then I'm gonna revive him, bitch slap him for calling me a woman, and then kill him again. He is so dead!'_

"Your right. I'll wear them."

I heard him come toward the closet and I just barely managed to hide myself before he opened it carefully. He started moving clothes around as he continued to talk to Quil and he pulled the black shirt that I loved so much off the hanger, thus revealing me. He looked back and I glared at him, mouthing 'your dead'. He smiled nervously before slamming the closet doors in my face.

_'Oh yeah. No sex for you for a month.'_

"So...what kind of fantasies does he have?"

_'You slimy, booger-face, sonuvabitch! No sex for two months! I swear to God when I get out of here and deal with Quil, I am going to make him regret the day he was born and-'_

"Paul puts out without a date."

"Wow, you got lucky."

"Yes, I do get lucky, a lot."

_'YOU BASTARD! YOU ARE GOING DOWN! I DON'T CARE IF YOU ARE STRONGER, FASTER, AND BETTER THAN ME! YOU AREN'T GETTING ANY FOR THREE FUCKING MONTHS! MAYBE I SHOULD JUST STOP PUTTING OUT PERIOD! I WOULD LOVE TO SEE HOW YOU HANDLE THAT! YOU FUCKING SONUVABITCH!'_

"Quil, Paul was in the closet the whole time." I threw open the closet doors and I would have laughed, because the whole 'in the closet' and coming out part would have been hilarious to laugh about later on, but I was just too angry. I was glad that I would be able to punish Quil and then I would deal with..._him_.

"Paul...buddy...hi." I found it extremely hilarious that he was so terrified.

"You were saying, Quil?" He started stuttering about something and I grinned evilly.

_**Later....**_

"Is that Quil?" Sam and Emily were taking a walk and were planning on stopping by Jacob's house to chat for a little bit but were stopped when saw the funniest thing. Quil went running by them wearing a flowery dress that was a few sizes too small and would have been scandalous if he hadn't been wearing boxers. He was also covered from head to toe in multi-colored splatters. It looked like he had been barraged by paint balls.

Sam raised an eyebrow and looked at Emily. She shrugged.

"Maybe we should go see what is up at Jacob's. Quil was running away from his house, so something must have happened."

Just then they heard a loud crash and shouting.

"Maybe we should hurry, too." The two of them approached Jacob's house cautiously but all the noise was coming from the back of the house. They circled around and stopped dead in their tracks at what they saw.

"Holy..."

"Damn."

The windows in the house were all broken, the back door was knocked off of its hinges, and various clothing and household items were scattered across the porch and yard. There was also multiple paint splatters coating the trees surrounding the house, but what caught their attention the most were the two people standing in the clearing, one yelling furiously and the other flinching and wincing uncontrollably.

"I TOLD YOU TO 'GET HIM TO CONFESS!' NOT MAKE HIM TELL YOU EVERYTHING HE READ! HOW COULD YOU DO THAT! YOUR AS BAD AS QUIL! AND BECAUSE YOU CALLED ME A WOMAN, I'M NOT GOING TO TALK TO YOU FOR TWO WEEKS. FOR SLAMMING THE CLOSET DOOR IN MY FACE, I'M NOT GONNA LOOK AT YOU FOR ONE WEEK AND NO SEX FOR AN INDEFINITE AMOUNT OF TIME FOR CALLING ME A SLUT!"

"I didn't call you a slut!"

"Oh yeah? Listen to this;

"_Paul puts out without a date."_

"_Wow, you got lucky."_

"_Yes, I do get lucky, a lot."_

Sound familiar? It should, its implying that I'm easy and I resent that!"

"I wasn't implying anything like that! I just wanted to rub how awesome my relationship is in Quil's face."

"WELL IT DOESN'T MATTER NOW BECAUSE AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED, THERE WON'T BE ANY AWESOMENESS TO OUR RELATIONSHIP FOR A LONG, LONG, LOOONG, TIME!" Then Paul walked away, heading into the woods. It was fairly surprising that he hadn't phased with how angry he was but his control had gotten a lot better since he had imprinted. As Paul walked away Emily jabbed Sam with her elbow.

"Hmm?"

"Why is Paul wearing Jake's clothes?" Sam looked at her exasperatedly. "What?"

"After what just happened, thats all your confused about?"

"Obviously Jake screwed up. How is that confusing?" Sam rolled his eyes and looked at Jake as he approached them. Sam smirked at Jake, who looked severely put out.

"Women, eh?" Jake shook his head in panic at Sam.

"Don't say-"

"SAM! YOU SONUVABITCH! I'M NOT A FUCKING WOMAN!" Paul's angry voice echoed throughout the woods and Sam paled considerably.

"-that. Great, just when he was calming down. Your paying for all the damage he causes this time." Jake took a few steps back and motioned for Emily to do the same, who did happily. Soon Paul came running out of the forest in human form, straight toward Sam.

"Uhm, Sam, I would run if I were you. He will kill you." Jake supplied helpfully.

"Well, I'm going home. See you later Sam!" Emily said happily, walking away.

"Look, Paul, it was just a joke! I didn't mean it!" Sam tried to reconcile when Paul got closer.

"Oh your gonna get it Sam." With that Sam took off running toward the front of the house with Paul following behind. Jake sighed and looked at the house.

_'Dad is going to kill me.'_

_**Later that night at Sam's house...**_

"I can't believe you hit me with a baseball bat!"

"You were in wolf form, I didn't break anything."

"Its still hurt!"

"You deserved it!"

"Boys! Enough fighting for one day!" Emily interrupted from the kitchen. Sam was holding an ice pack to his head where a large bruise was forming. Paul was glaring at Sam with a passion. Jake was sitting next to Paul trying to get him to acknowledge him.

"Hey Paul...."

"..."

"C'mon, just talk to me!"

"..."

"I said I was sorry! At least look at me!" Paul continued to glare at Sam.

"..." Jake sighed and gave up, knowing that it would be a while before he got any kind of reaction from Paul. A whole week to be exact. He sighed again.

_'This week is gonna suck.'_

"Jacob, if you don't get Paul to stop glaring at me, I'm going to ban you from my house until Paul completely forgives you and we both know you can't stay away from Emily's cooking for that long."

"What?! Thats insane! He won't even look at me!"

"Well, your going to have to make a decision. Its either you do something to get his attention, and we both know the consequences for that will be disastrous for you, or you get banned from this house until Paul gives you some, which is a really long time to go without Emily's cooking. Which is it gonna be?"

Jake gulped and looked at Paul.

"Paul..." Paul's brows furrowed, guessing what was coming, "at least let me eat at your house. You don't have to talk or even look at me!" Jake pleaded, surprising both Paul and Sam. Paul smirked and Sam's mouth dropped.

"What!?"

"There is no way I'm gonna insult Paul when he is already this mad. Didn't you see my house earlier?"

"Well...then your banned. Sorry Jake, you gotta stay out until Paul forgives you." Sam shrugged his shoulders in finality. Paul finally looked over at Jake, a smirk on his lips.

"Jake, I forgive you." Jake grinned happily and stuck his tongue out at Sam, who rolled his eyes. Then Paul went back to glaring at Sam. "Oh, and remember that one thing with the table that Quil told you about?"

"Yeah...why?" Jake asked.

"We're gonna do it. Tonight. Be there or be square." Paul said smirking. He got up, shooting one last glare at a confused Sam and left the house. Jake grinned broadly, winking at Sam before getting up also.

"What was that all about?" Sam asked before Jake could leave.

"Oh...nothing." Jake laughed before leaving the house. Emily came into the dining room and looked at Sam.

"What was that all about?" Sam shrugged and shook his head before wincing.

"I have no idea but it was weird." Emily shrugged and removed the ice, touching Sam's tender head. "OUCH!"

"Sorry honey, but honestly, you shouldn't have called him a woman." Sam gave her a look before muttering to himself angrily. Emily retreated back into the kitchen to finish dinner.

_**Later that night...again...like 12:01-ish...at Sam's house....**_

"Your late." Paul whispered blandly.

"Sorry, I had to clean up the mess you made! My dad flipped out when he saw it! He grounded me, you know! For like two months!"

"Don't worry I'll make it up to you. Now come on!" They entered the house quietly, and by quiet, it means they only tripped over a few things and created a minimum amount of noise but neither Sam nor Emily woke up so it was okay. They entered the dining room and stared at the table for a moment and then each other.

"You ready?" Paul asked with a smirk.

"I was born ready!" Jake answered grinning. Paul raised an eyebrow.

"You were born ready to fuck me on Sam's dining room table? Who gave birth to you?!" Jake rolled his eyes and pushed Paul onto the table.

"Lets get this started." The two of them smirked at each other and continued to screw each other on Sam's table.

_**In Sam and Emily's bedroom...in their bed...**_

_'I have a feeling tomorrow is going to be a long day...my head hurts...freaking Paul...'_


End file.
